I was scared
You know, I used to be so scared of sharing my opinion, speaking in a group of more than 2 or 3, and letting people in on what I really think, let alone speaking in public! I was scared to speak for fear that I would be contradicted, mocked or ridiculed. I remember I would tremble and become nervous and embarrassed if I knew I would need to pray or speak up in front of more than a few people. I even hated my voice! I couldn’t stand the way my voice sounded! I was even scared of meeting someone new!
I think the root of this fear came from a situation when I was a kid where I was mocked and made fun of by several different kids for my clothing and for asking questions. After spending years getting rid bitterness and resentment from life’s happenings and relationships, God showed me why I was scared.
Today, I can stand in front of 10 or a couple hundred people and actually enjoy saying what needs to be said – what God puts on my heart!
What happened?
A couple big things that happened.
I met Joel.
He started helping me talk. We wrote letters for 8 months before he moved to my state. We eventually got married about 2 years later. By being in a vulnerable and honest relationship with him, I began realizing how I had value. I felt like what ever I said, he treasured. My words, opinions and perspectives as well as my experience and personal convictions all seemed valuable to him.
When we had been married for about 7 years, we made a huge life change. We moved from a sheltered, sort of cloistered Christian community, where we worked in exchange for room and board out in the Alaskan bush to living in Wasilla, Alaska – kind of a small town of 30,000, where we bought our first house, and my husband started his first paying job in years.
At this point, I was very angry, confused, and frustrated. I think it was mostly because I had grown up as a Christian from 4 years old on, but really did not know God or truly understand His unconditional love for me. And to this day I still don’t fully grasp it.
I had tried and worked and striven all these years to make myself this good little Christian girl who was good at pleasing people (thinking that was how I pleased God) without understanding His grace and perfect sacrifice, Jesus, and the power that He filled me with when I received Him as my Lord and Saviour.
My own “filthy rags” righteousness wasn’t working out for me very well. 😦
Forgive
When we moved to Wasilla, we started attending a church where I jumped right in and began getting inner healing through the Fresh Start ministry. I began learning to forgive, cancel debts owed to me and bless the people in my life who had offended, hurt or wronged me. As I was able to receive forgiveness for my part of holding onto grudges and resentment and bitterness and learn my true identity as a favorite daughter of the King of kings, and learn my spiritual authority in Christ, I started feeling joy, and freedom and started getting my voice.
I learned:
God believes in me!
AND
Now I surround myself with people who believe in me and believe the truth about me.
I Believe in me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Since I’m keeping this short, I just want to say that when you know God is your loving Daddy, and that nothing you can do will ever change his love for you, you will have something to say!
When truth and vision fills your heart, it’s easy to speak up, stand up, and be who God made you to be.
~esf
emilyflorian 